Sunday 25 August 2019

the heart of the matter

I'm reading 'Palace Walk', by the 1994 Nobel laureate Naguib Mahfouz. It's the first book in a trilogy, tracing the history of a Cairo merchant family from the first world war to the 1950s. I was delighted to read this incisive description of the state of  one of the main protagonist's life as he attends Friday prayers at the mosque;

'By the time he entered the sanctuary he felt at peace with the world and performed the prayer, asking God to pardon him and forgive his sins. He would not ask for repentance, since he secretly feared his prayer might be granted and he would turn into an ascetic with no taste for the pleasures of life he loved and without which he thought life would be meaningless. He knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that repentance was a necessity and that he could not be pardoned without it. He just hoped it would come at an appropriate time so he could have full enjoyment of both this world and the next'. 

Who among us who profess the faith, hasn't been there? It's the prayer of St. Augustine; 'O Lord, give me chastity, but not yet'.  We lurch through life, intending good, but straying off the path, trying to bargain with God, thinking ourselves virtuous for our good deeds, often unaware of what we have neglected, or transgressed.

But a passage like the one from Mahfouz draws us up sharp. 'Must do better' will hardly be convincing to us or to God, as we look back. A life of grace and dependence on God calls; calls us into deep water and unknown ways and resources. We paddle about in the shallows, run back to the beach. Life in the deep still calls, but few answer it. Myself included. 

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